Nonviolent Communication

“Arthur, when I see two balls of dirty socks by the couch and a dirty T-shirt next to the TV, I feel irritated because I’m needing more order in the common spaces. Would you be willing to put your laundry in the hamper or on top of the washing machine?”

This is an example of the Nonviolent Communication formula that we use in our home. I use it as often as possible. And yes—sometimes I fuck up and yell and the formula I know so well momentarily sits on the shelf and collects dust. (Luckily, I get another chance to use the formula approximately 60 seconds later. Because—you know—kids.)

Broken down, the NVC process looks like this:

The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we observe

The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

So if I noticed that Arthur was using a loud voice in quiet restaurant, instead of saying/yelling,

“QUIET! Use your manners!”

I’d aim to say something like,

“Arthur, when you use a loud voice (my observation) in the restaurant, I feel uncomfortable (how I feel) because I want the other people in the restaurant to enjoy their quiet meal (my desire). Would you be willing to use a more quiet voice (my requested action) until we go outside again?”

Or if I witnessed Nora try to hit Fozzie (our 15 year-old dog), instead of saying/yelling,

“NORA! Don’t hit Fozzie! He’s an old dog!”

I’d aim to say something like,

“Nora, when you hit Fozzie (my observation), I feel upset (how I feel) because I want him to be safe (my desire). Would you be willing to give Fozzie space, or pet him instead of hit him?” (my requested action)

When I communicate non-violently with my children, and with Josh, and with the world, peace comes my way. And since my top priority is peace, NVC is a no-brainer.

xo,

Stephanie

PS:

Something worth reading. This is the where I learned the principles of NVC. If you often feel exasperated when you communicate with your children, a healthy dose of non-violent communication might do the trick.

Something worth buying. Dinner conversation with young children sometimes needs a little…help. These have been game-changing. Not only is everyone learning about the 50 nifty United States, but it’s a great conversation starter: “We lived in New Mexico…right here…before you both were born.”

Something worth watching. We use this almost daily. Everyone gets into it. And after it’s done, youtube almost always automatically plays a Super Simple Songs video that we watch as a small reward. (Not like they need it. They really enjoy the timer and tidy time as is.)